Many people who talk to me often will have heard me lament about how I’m not sure what my future holds. (If you have go ahead and skip down to the next section if you want) I have been planning for years to leave Tallahassee and teach at a small college somewhere in the southeast. There simply aren’t really many job opportunities for someone with a PhD in biology in Tallahassee. Then unexpectedly I heard of a job opening at FSU in the Biology core facilities. This was totally not on my radar but my lab mates seemed to think it was a good opportunity for me and it would allow me to stay in town where my family and church family are. I considered it but decided that teaching was really my dream and what I wanted to do so I decided to not pursue the job at all. Unexpectedly it kept nagging me at the back of my mind so I went and talked to one of the people in charge and came away feeling like there was a really good chance I would get the job. Weeks went by before it was even posted, then I applied, and then someone else got the job. However, that same position is expected to open up again in January as this current person is promoted and I talked to the people in charge and they said they would like for me to apply for that position. It’s not guaranteed but seems very likely that they would hire me in January. January…that’s kind of the problem. My other route I’d like to pursue is teaching. A teaching position would start in January (or May, or August) so I can’t wait to see if I get the position at FSU before I accept/reject any teaching positions I may have found.
This brings up the decision to pursue a teaching job and forget about the job at FSU, or count on the job at FSU and not pursue a teaching position. (Of course if I didn’t find a job by January than I would apply at FSU) This brings me back to the point of deciding if I really want to teach or if I want the job at FSU. I think I would enjoy teaching more (and do feel a little like it’s more prestigious). Working at FSU has nice benefits and I could stay in Tallahassee. Friends and family want me here. What I thought was my dream job would most likely take me elsewhere. I could name half a dozen reasons why I should want either job.
The real issue:
Where does God want me? I fully believe that where I need to be and where I will be happiest is where God wants me to work. But where is that? The ever popular question “what is God’s will for my life” come to mind. I know all the church answers about how to figure that out. What I don’t know is what God wants. I’ve probably driven my church staff crazy with prayer requests about this. I’ve driven my other friends crazy talking about it. I’ve shouted up prayer request to God about it. I don’t feel peace about either decision. To make matters somewhat worse, there are crazy (but good) changes happening in my church which just bring up the issue of dramatic life changes all the more. Well today in church while I was whining about it to God once again I’m pretty sure he told me that he’s not going to give me a decision now. Thinking about it sometimes makes me want to scream and cry. I have no idea what city I will be living in 6 months from now nor what, if any job I will have. This scares me. It’s not that I don’t think God is in control, but it can be hard take what I believe somewhere in my head and really apply it when it comes to my emotions.
My goal this week: spend serious time with God and see if I can’t get this anxiety sorted out.