Waiting on God- Part 2

Part 1 is here in case you missed it: https://maddprofessor.wordpress.com/2014/09/29/waiting-on-god-part-1/

That Christmas I had started looking at eHarmony again. I’d been on there almost a year and no one had contacted me at all. It was free communication over the holidays so I got on and looked at some profiles but no one was interesting enough for me to get over my shyness and contact them first. None of them had contacted me. There was just one day left of the free communication and then a new match contacted me. On New Year’s Eve. The last day of the year. I had forgotten about my hope of meeting someone that year but was excited to meet someone. We messaged pages and pages of emails through the eHarmony website, met in person, and started dating. At first I liked him well enough as someone I could be friends with but I had to get to know him for a little while before I knew that I was attracted to him. I had no idea at first if it would really go anywhere but as I spent more time with him I liked him more and more. Through dating him I realized I actually have a lot to offer. For the first time in my life, a guy told me I was beautiful. God fulfilled that promise to me from 5.5 years before. I had my first kiss, and my first Valentine. He treated me better than I ever would have dreamed someone would. He was very respectful of me and we enjoyed a lot of the same things. We talked about getting married. Neither of us were sure yet if we wanted to get married but we were both leaning that way. I was so happy and thanked God for bringing me such an awesome guy. And then he broke up with me seemingly out of the blue.

I was completely heartbroken. I experienced depression for the first time in my life. I barely slept or ate anything for weeks. I lost 15 pounds in about 2 weeks. I didn’t cook anything for myself for over a month. I couldn’t sleep past 6 am. I cried and prayed more than I ever have in my life. I thought that my wait for a lasting relationship was maybe over and then a door was slammed in my face. How could God let this happen? I prayed several times while dating checking in with God if this was ok. At the beginning of the relationship before I was attracted to him I asked God “Should I keep dating this guy?” When the infatuation stage faded a bit I asked God “Is this ok? Should I consider marrying someone who I don’t feel head-over-heels for every minute that I’m with him?” (It was my first relationship. I don’t know what feelings are “normal”). If it wasn’t right, why didn’t God tell me to break up with him? Or at least warn me?  Oddly enough I didn’t know if I remembered that I thought I would meet my future husband in 2013 until after the breakup.  I don’t know if I did meet him or if the whole thing was wishful thinking.  In the time since then there’s been a lot of crying, praying, and talking to my mom and friends trying to make sense of it all. I’ve struggled with trusting God. What if He leaves me single and I live the rest of my life alone with no one to hold me or kiss me? Why would He make me wait so long to begin with? As a Christian I’m supposed to believe that God is good and he wants what’s best for me but how can God let me go through something so painful?

So here I am. I’m 32, single, and wondering why most of my friends are celebrating their 10th anniversaries while all I have to show is one relationship that lasted less than 5 months. Posts that should make me happy for friends’ relationships instead seem to sting as I think about how many years I have been alone. I think about how every year that passes is one year less that I get to spend with my future husband, assuming that by some miracle someone wants to marry me someday. I read stories about Abraham waiting years for a son, or Joseph waiting years for the dream that God gave him to come true. I hope and pray that God is working behind the scenes to let me find someone for me even though right now it looks like nothing is happening. It’s a struggle. Some days I trust that God’s plan is best and that he has good things for me. Some days I cry and question if God is going to make me suffer my entire life with loneliness. As I get older I wonder if I’ll ever have kids and lament that my “plan” of how I wanted to be married a few years and later have 2 kids spaced out by 4 years doesn’t really work when you are 32 and there’s no wedding on the horizon.

I am blessed with good friends, a close family, and a good church. My relationship with God has grown a lot over the last few years and I have a better grasp on how to live as a Christian. I enjoy hiking, baking, brewing, and having friends over. I have a good job and a nice house. I know there are a lot of good things in my life. I have some close friends but I want more than a friend who I spend a few hours a week with. I want someone to share my daily life with. Someone to tell me I’m pretty and to sleep with.  There aren’t many good single guys at my age, even fewer who are Christians and share my values. I pray every day and ask God for what seems like a miracle. I don’t know what God is doing and if or when I’ll be in a relationship again but I hope it’s soon. I wish I had a “happily ever after” or a “God gave me more than all I could ask or imagine” story but right now I’m still waiting and hoping and trying to trust God.

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